A Taxing Day and One year Later.

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Yesterday was a bit challenging for me. First, it was tax day and like a good procrastinator I kicked the can down the road until the very last minute. I spent 3 days doing last minute scrambling to get it done. Tax prep is sort of like colonoscopy prep and, yes, I did procrastinate doing that too.
Procrastinators are often deadline sensitive people and they don’t get enough motivation to tackle unpleasant tasks until the threat of a deadline moves them. It is a habit that I am working on. Fear and perfectionism are often hiding in the shadows of the procrastinator’s psyche and we avoid dealing with either of these gremlins until panic takes over.

Yesterday was also the 1 year anniversary of the Boston Marathon. Here in the Boston area, it was a time to reflect upon the tragic events that took place. Much has transpired in that year and the survivors and their rescuers have demonstrated courage and perseverance in the face of tragedy.
Though most of us have not faced such tragedy, can you think of a time in your life when you failed or suffered a severe loss or set back? Have you been able to recover from it? Did you do so with the support of others or did you manage by yourself?

Resilience is the ability to bounce back quickly from a loss or setback. Healing is faster when the pain is not hidden and you keep your heart open, but it is not easy.

The late Elizabeth Edwards who faced her own challenges very publically said:
“Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good.”

Do you have an inspirational story to share? I’d love to hear it.

Emotions

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First, let me thank all of you have stopped by and visited, commented or are following. I am very excited that you are interested in these topics and I hope you will join in the fray!

Why do I write about emotions? I write about emotions because emotions rule the world not thoughts, not logic. Emotions can hijack the most logical of us and run away with our reason. The language we speak to each other is the language of emotions. Feelings can end a discussion because they cannot be argued with. Yet, we learn little about emotions, how to manage them and how to even understand which one is operative. It is why I believe so strongly that we all must learn about our emotional life just as we learn about any other aspect of our health.

Emotions can be tricky hiding in the bush masquerading as something else (example fear hides as “dislike”). Further, your emotions are often dictated by the socio-economic structure you operate in. Are we courageous enough to question our emotions and find the root? Are we brave enough to look at the social constraints that induce and or force negative thoughts and emotions upon us? Can we free ourselves from any of this? Your psychological freedom depends on your doing so and education is the key. That is my goal. Why? Because I have often felt like the proverbial stranger in a strange land and learning the landscape of emotions has been necessary.

Dan Goleman is famous for coining the term “emotional intelligence” to discuss how successful people manage their emotions to their advantage. However, the data supporting Goleman’s concept of emotional intelligence is weak. I prefer to think of this area as emotional skill rather than intelligence. Intelligence implies and innate ability that one is born with and has or does not have. Skill is something that can be learned or acquired. This is why I believe this distinction is critically important.

Think about it. What runs your life – how you feel? How you think? Are you sure? How skilled are you emotionally? Would you be better of if you had better skills?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please don’t be shy – that’s another blog!

The Invisible Fence.

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After today, I am going to break from discussing shame – it is a very large topic and one we will revisit many times. The reason that I feel we must keep chipping away at shame is that shame is “A Master of Disguise”. Shame has the ability to create limits that are actually lies as it covers its own stealthy tracks. More importantly, Shame like fear, anxiety and other affiliated emotions are self-sealing. That is that they engage in behavior that reinforces and seals the belief inside where it grows unchallenged. It seems that even our feelings like power and will run rampant when we do not challenge them. Logic is often used by such feelings to justify keeping them in place. “I would feel good about myself if only ______.”

Shame, fear and anxiety are deceptive to us at times. They are protective in nature, but can grow to be more punishing than the original intention – they take on a life of their own and begin limiting our behavior creating an invisible fence in our minds. Much like those cruel shock collars, shame, fear and anxiety take on the same methodology – when we get too close to an imagined boundary, we get zapped! Some people suffer shame attacks, others anxiety attacks and still others over-reactive fear responses that are grossly out of proportion to the stimulus.

Why do I write about these emotions and limits? Because like all humans, I have had my share of afflictions and I believe that we must use the latest knowledge and tools to hack out way out of the limits that impose smallness and limited lives upon us. Each and everyone of us has a right to be here and to grow in the direction we choose. To do that requires removing a lot of invisible fences.

Much of the time you will not see your invisible fence for what it is, you will need help. That help can come in the form of a friend, a support group, a great coach, a good therapist. The point is you must know it is there in order to challenge and remove it. Sometimes, you will just have to jump the fence take the shock and realize it did not kill you, then do it over and over again – a process of systematic desensitization.

Reflections on Shame.

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It’s a cold, rainy morning here in New England, but spring is showing itself. The grass is beginning to green up slowly, the Red Sox open today is in Baltimore and the Boston Marathon just a few weeks away, so bring it on! What’s going on where you are?

Returning to our discussion on shame, first let me say that no understanding of shame can take place without understanding the social drivers of shame. There are many in our social and economic system who profit from the shame epidemic and, in fact, actually fuel it. Shame helps to drive the drug industry (legal and illegal), the alcoholic beverage industry, the cosmetic surgery industry, makeup and diet industries, the self-help industry, shame keeps social workers and psychiatrists very busy. Shame undermines a society while making profits for a few who have learned how to exploit humanity’s self conscious edges and determine that there is one way to look, be and feel.

Shame arises from a failure to meet expectations. Many young children develop shame around their families and their socio-economic realities. Sometimes shame becomes a driving force, a motivator to change things, but what if you cannot change something?

Here in New England, elitist braniacs have taken to sending “fat” letters home to children who don’t meet specific physical guidelines getting the shaming underway early and by people who really should know better. Many dysfunctional parents raise their children to take care of them and expect these little humans in training to meet their emotional needs. This reverses the natural order of things and requires a young child to try and develop adult behavior they are not ready for or capable of. When children fail to meet these expectations shame and anxiety result. John Bradshaw writes of this in his books as the roots of many an alcoholics addiction.

Dealing with difficult feelings can extract a massive toll on people because shame isolates and it seems the only way out of these difficult feeling is to share them.

Can you identify feelings of shame in your own life? How will you resolve them, move past them and take back control of your life.

Shame – The Invisible Monster

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What do guilt and shame have to do with each other and how might they be affecting your life?
According the shame researchers, guilt is what you feel when you do something bad and shame is what you feel when you are something bad.

Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW and author of I Thought It Was Me (But it Isn’t) speaks of shame as a silent epidemic. Shame is a deep topic with significant personal and social impacts. It is also largely a taboo topic. I will begin exploring shame in this pos, however, because shame is both a taboo topic and a silent epidemic, I will continue to develop the topic in sequential posts.

Three of the foremost experts on the subject of shame are Jane Middleton-Moz, John Bradshaw and more recently, Brené Brown. In her book, “Shame and Guilt – Masters of Disguise”, Jane Middleton-Moz explains the dynamics of shame for individuals and the far reaching implications of those dynamics. John Bradshaw author of two insightful books on shame – “Healing the Shame that Binds You” and “Homecoming” explores the dynamics facing adult children of alcoholics and shame-based families. Brown in her books on the subject signals a clarion call for recognizing the silent epidemic of shame in society and its pervasive destructiveness.

How does shame affect a life? Here is how one woman put it:

“For years I have called it fear, rage, anxiety, depression, struggling with myself, lack of focus, lack of direction. I called it everything but what it was, because I really did not know. In another sense, I did, but could not name it and I could not admit it. It masqueraded as ADD, impulsiveness, arrogance and anger. At times it appeared as passivity and shyness, other times it presented as a restless, relentless mind that zoomed around my internal universe like a mad comet hurtling through space.

It manifested as procrastination and being chronically late for things as well as never following through on anything I started or intended to do. It showed up as big talking and little doing, a persistent lack of commitment to anyone or anything – why risk failing when it seemed inevitable?

It appeared as high-sensitivity, which of course it was, an ever watchful nervous system patrolling. It was the promise of “someday” that never seemed to come and the fervent attempt to control an out of control world. I struggled with a desire for success and a relentless need to remain invisible and safe from the judgment of others who would surely judge me as I judged myself, fundamentally, hopelessly and fatally flawed – unlovable and worthless.

It was an internal struggle that was ripping me apart. For every successful step I took, I took two steps back to hide.”

This is the monster called shame and it is at the heart of nearly every self-destructive and addictive behavior there is.

Let me tell you why I believe you must understand what shame is and learn to speak it. You can only heal it by speaking of it and many therapists do not have a solid understanding of this subject. Some are actually blocked by their own shame and do not wish to bring up such a topic – I did say it was taboo. For you to heal from this, you will need to take charge like never before. This is easier once you understand what you are dealing with – this horrible, unspeakably dark feeling is shame.

I hope you find this helpful.

Life’s a Beach!

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Life's a Beach!

Wow! I need a brief respite today after yesterday’s heavy talk about guilt. It been a long time since I slipped my feet into the soft white sand of Seven Mile Beach in Grand Cayman, but on this early spring day, my heart is yearning for it. We were in GC shortly after a hurricane had destroyed a good chunk of the island, thus the super serene scene in this photo. What’s your favorite beach?

This one is a beauty, but the beach that stands out in my mind as perfect doesn’t really exist anymore. That would be Orient Beach in St. Martin. The first time I stepped onto Orient Beach’s breathtaking stretch of sand was in 1992. The beach in those days was glorious beach – undeveloped and nearly empty. Just a few years later, this beach would be full of people, hotels and lots of noise! Change is always happening! Though I love this beach still, my perfect spots are quieter. What kind of beach do you like? Noisy and Rowdy? Peaceful and serene?

Guilt

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I ordered a Wayne Dyer classic some time ago – YOUR ERRONEOUS ZONES. The unassuming paperback arrived today. It has been a few weeks since I ordered it, so I’d forgotten all about it – my cyclone of a mind moves on fast! I opened the book, a thin paperback with a faded cover and age-yellow pages (so much for being LIKE NEW) and opened to a part about guilt. As the universe seems to do at times, what I needed to read appeared in front of me. The ensuing discussion about guilt – an emotion I thought I was doing a lot to avoid – kind of hit home and I realized that I needed to read this.

Let me share with you a summary of what Dr. Dyer has to say:

• Guilt is a strategy to avoid taking any effective, self-enhancing steps today by keep your focus on the past and what has already happened that you cannot change – ever.
• Guilt is a form of self-punishment and misleads you into believing you are taking action by continuous self-flagellation.
• Guilt is a means of escaping responsibility and avoiding the hard work of changing in the now.
• Guilt can be viewed as a form of penance in the hopes that if you feel bad enough, you will eventually be forgiven. Dyer calls it the prison mentality as inmates pay for their sins by feeling terrible.
• Guilt serves as a means to return to the relative safety of childhood, a secure period where others took care of you and made decisions for you. Once again, you are protected from taking charge of your own life.
• Guilt serves to transfer responsibility for your behavior. Takes the focus off you and puts it on others.
• Guilt can help you to win approval from others if you show how bad you feel. It’s a human way to try to fit in after wrong doing.
• Guilt can be an attempt to gain others pity. The desire for pity is indicative of a very low self-esteem. You would rather have people pity you than like or respect you.

SUMMARY OF DR. DYER’S STRATEGIES FOR NEUTRALIZING GUILT

1. View the past accurately as UNCHANGABLE. Recognize that guilt cannot change it and serves to prevent you from moving ahead.
2. Ask “What am I avoiding in the present by feeling this guilt?” What is it that you are afraid of?
3. Recognize that your values may not be the same as others. Here’s an example: Let’s say you leave the corporate world because it holds little value for you. You panic and feel guilty. Instead of moving forward, you simply agonize with guilt day after day after day effectively leaving yourself stuck and in danger of collapse. In such a case, you are merely punishing yourself for making a choice that honors your true values rather than the values you adopted from others.
4. Accept who you are.
5. Reconsider your values which may be different from your family, your friends, your coworkers etc. At the very least, they may have undergone a change from what they once were.
6. Assess the consequences of your behavior. Determine if it is working for you by giving you results you enjoy and want. If not, then guilt is again punishing you.
7. Defuse guilt by teaching others that they can do for themselves – you are actually empowering them by stopping co-dependent manipulation.
8. Take a stand against guilt by stepping out and or speaking up. For example, if you get lousy service in a restaurant – leave NO tip. You will be helping that server get powerful feedback. Don’t let guilt trick you into believing that the server will starve and/or the restaurant close unless you subsidize awful service – it’s a business not a charitable endeavor. You will be made to feel guilty by someone – guaranteed. Speak to the manager if possible, but reject the guilt. You are doing more to help this server and manager than rewarding failure ever could.

Some people would say that guilt is a useless emotion, I disagree. It is healthy to feel guilt when you have done something wrong not when you do something different i.e. step away from the herd. The biological purpose of these emotions is to bring you back in line with conventional norms to ensure your physical survival – your psychological survival is of no consequence here. That is why it can be so hard, because we feel torn in an internal struggle. Some people will actually change their values to avoid feeling guilty or to shift it on to the victim. It’s an energetic exchange in which the person who should feel guilty shifts it on to the victim. That’s for another day.

The problem with guilt is that while there are times when you should feel guilty so that you can stop and think about what you are doing and make amends, if necessary, right away. Toxic guilt is guilt that serves no purpose except to stay stuck as it disallows any constructive action. Acting out of guilt, it is impossible to construct a bright future; guilt is punishing and will continue a pointless, punishing cycle if not stopped.

In what ways is guilt present in your life? What steps can you take to minimize the role of guilt?

Hello and welcome to Psych-Hacker.

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Psych-hacker is designed to help you tap into applied psychology to improve your self-awareness and understanding of both yourself and others. Psych-hacker leaves behind arcane terms, diagnoses and theories that can obscure psychology’s incredible usefulness. Psych-hacking is like getting an owner’s manual for your mind and a personal coach to guide you through it. Arcane psychological theories are useless if you cannot apply them and immediately make improvements in yourself, your management skills, your entrepreneurial endeavors and relationships.

I created the Psych-Hacking Process to taking the best of individual and organizational psychology and use it create personal growth in my clients. Psych-Hacking is an instructive and insightful process both for individuals and organizations and the journey begins here.

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